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Sparky's dream
I've dumped Old Sparky. I can't help but feel a bit guilty, ditching my faithful companion after all this time together. Worse, I've traded up for a younger, flashier, more glamourous model. The chorus of tabloid denunciation must surely be imminent. I am to facial stimulators what Rod Stewart is to blondes. The old machine I used to shock my face into activity and tone was an elderly, biscuit-coloured, second-hand affair. The new one, which I suppose I am compelled to name Young Sparky, is bright and flash and shiny and contoured. When it came though the post the other day I was more excited than had I been given a fresh laptop or stereo. Its technical name is a Neuro 4 Advanced Stimulation System and it is a purring Aston Martin to the old model's creaking Honda Civic. This is what it looks like: 
The first thing you will notice about it, from the acres of cabling stuck to my face in the photo at the top, is that it comes with extra electrodes. The old one had two pairs. The new one has four. This isn't just about the relentless trend under capitalism to create unnecessary new commodities, such as Gillette's daft five-bladed razors (a development predicted with profane yet eerie accuracy in The Onion). No, each pair of conductors relates to the four endings of the facial nerve - the forehead, under the eye, the cheek and the chin. Before I was only energising the ones around my mouth. Now, the entire face gets a workout. It's surprisingly refreshing if I get the levels right. The old contraption felt like it was gently tickling me. Young Sparky is more like an electric cold shower. This is also because the new one is much, much more powerful. Unused to the increased voltage, I managed to hurt myself at first by cranking up one of the little blue dials too far. Ouch. After a week's use I've grown slightly more adept. Disappointingly, despite the currents flowing through my head, my hair has so fair failed to stand up on end like when you put both your hands on a Van Der Graaf generator. Like a car, it also comes with different gears. The old model was single-speed and I had to remember when to switch it off myself. This one comes with three different programmes - 30 minutes, one hour, three hours. It shuts itself off when it's done. I'll have to check the instruction manual to see if it'll make me a cup of tea as well. One slight drawback. Because the old one was quite mild, and concerned itself only with the centre of my face, I was able to attach it before going to bed and go to sleep while it was on. I'll have to give this one a bit longer before my forehead and chin get used to the novelty of being cranked into action, however, as I suspect it will distract me from nodding off. Although this means having it on during the day, limiting when I can go out or, indeed, answer the door without looking like a tool, the new regime has its advantages. Going to bed with my stimulator is probably a bit weird. I don't want you to think I'm taking my anthropomorphic analogy too literally.
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To date 27 Comment(s)
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Cheapy
(5.9.06 17:01)
How about keeping the old one for use at night? Might be a reasonable compromise.
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headcase
/ Website
(5.9.06 17:06)
I'm told overstimulating the face could do more harm than good, Cheapy, but ta for the thought. I think it's just a question of getting used to it, really - it took me a few weeks before I wasn't flinching from the old one. That was loaned to me by BANA (see links to the right), the new one came from the clinic in Manchester I've been visiting. So I'd like to give the old 'un back so someone else can get some use out of it...
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Banksy
/ Website
(6.9.06 23:40)
Would that be a pair of sideburns I see you sporting there Mr Kelly?
Extraordinary, and really rather brave. Some sort of tribute to Mungo Jerry I assume.
Anyhoo, in case you haven't heard I am off to the groves of academe, quitting Newcastle to become a Uni lecturer, where I shall wear leather elbow patches, smoke a pipe and write books with lots of elves in them.
Leaving do Dec 8 - do hope you might shamble down to join us for a snifter or two. Withers says he's coming, but don't let that put you off.
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headcase
/ Website
(7.9.06 08:44)
I've sported these Bugger's Grips since I was about 15, but they've grown increasingly Rhodes Boyson-esque in recent years.
How did you get to be a lecturer? Talk about a decline in academic standards. Do you even have any O-levels? I will try to attend on December 8, the presence of Withers notwithstanding.
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Hong Kong Newey
(12.9.06 02:36)
Dear Headcase,
I have been reading your blog from the other side of the world, and I must say I enjoy it immensely. Particularly the satirical section in your comments page where characters from your past pretend they have moved away from their mundane jobs teaching new hacks old habits, to something approaching serious work. I look forward to the next installment where "Banksy" claims he is about to write a thesis on the powerful social impact of North Wales Columnists on British Society (1998-2005). May I ask which institution has laid claim to this waif?
Many Thanks
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