I'm wearing a hearing aid right now. It's a scandalous waste of NHS money. In less than two months it will be totally obsolete - that ear will go completely after the op. But I booked the appointment before the consultants knew about the tumour and, bureaucreacy being what is, no-one thought to cancel it. Plus, I fancied the morning off work.
I'm going to ditch it at the weekend. It doesn't really improve my hearing beyond amplifying to a miniscule degree what I can pick up already, with the added sountrack of a tinny, metalic whine. My love for the Smiths does not extend to wanting to look like Morrissey doing Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now on Top Of The Pops. Well, not quite enough. Besides, I lose pens, ties, notebooks, state secrets and my mobile with astonishing regularity. How much of a drain on the taxpayer do I really want to be?
If I'm honest, the main reason for wanting rid of it is that I'm trying to get used to what is known by experts, surprisingly concisely, as single sided deafness (SSD). I still have the use of a small amount of hearing on the right side and I want to get into the habit of living without it. I'm all for avoiding unwelcome truths and refusing to confront reality, but kidding on that ear is salvagable is taking denial a bit far.
In a way it's a shame as I was all ready for a hearing aid. I've been growing my hair the past few months so it masks the top of my ears. In tandem with the little clear plastic earpiece, this makes the whole contraption more or less invisible unless you're looking for it. I mean, I fashion an entire look on the back of it, and they go and tell me I won't need one after all? I ask you.
And I'm really missing the boat style-wise. The Royal National Institute for the Deaf is running an
exhibition of hearing aids designed by some achingly cool "creatives" to prove they can be like, really hip and trendy. What does this make me? Out of step with the catwalk, as usual.
Actually, I suspect it woudn't get worn much anyway, fashionable or not. I know I'm a bit short-sighted but I've never got round to buying those glasses I've been prescribed. Deep down I don't want to admit to any imperfection which is a manifestion of, as my subconscious sees it, the aging process. So if I'm still squinting at the electronic displays on the tube, I suspect the hearing aid wouldn't stand much of a chance.
headcase
